Anniversary.. of sorts

I can’t believe how time has flown!! One year since my divorce… I thought that a good way to celebrate it would be to go for my annual gynecologist visit. In all the hubub and drama of getting divorced, finding a new job and uprooting, moving to a new town etc I missed last year’s and, awful as it is, it had to be done.

Then came the shock a couple of days later.  Some irregularities in my pap test.  The doctor keeps telling me that it is nothing to worry about, that if I take the medicine I should be fine, that you only get cancer from two (If I remember correctly) kinds of the MPV and that it does not mean I will get cancer etc etc etc.

Yet I worry, I guess it is normal.  I feel that my own body might be betraying me.  I pray, I take my medicines, and I hope it will all be okay when I see the doctor again in 6 months.  Please help me pray everything will be okay?

Lawyer’s call

This afternoon I received a call from my lawyer.  The court did not have an opening on the list for me for this coming Monday as agreed.  So we move the court date up by one week to the 15th of February

I can’t understand my feelings regarding this.  I have mentally prepared myself for it to be over on the 8th, and suddenly it feels like an anti-climax.  It feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.  I know that it has only been delayed by one week, but it feels like my life has been disrupted.  All my well laid plans turned upside down.  Maybe I am projecting the feelings I should have about the end of my marriage onto this change of date? 

This made me realize that I should face my feelings and stop acting like an ostrich, pretending that if I do not admit them, they do not exist. 

So here goes:

I am sad that all our dreams and hopes have died

I am sad that our daughter has to experience the pain of divorce

I am sad that I broke the promise I made before God

I am angry that I was not good enough.  Not important enough for him to fight for me and our marriage.  And I am not talking the “lip service” fight for me, I am talking the real “let’s really make this work” fight for me

I am sad that I lost my friends.   And angry at them for throwing me away, for really believing that I would try to take their husbands away from them

I am sad that I don’t get to see my dogs.

There, I said it, and now?  Is this supposed to make me feel better?

Just wondering…

Last night we went to the “Festival for Jesus” at the little one’s school.  I met Mr. X (soon-to-be) and the little one and my mom in law there.  I had a general idea as to where they were sitting and coming towards them only mom in law was sitting there.  She was watching me approach I later realised, but did not even lift her hand to indicate to me where she was or where to find my chair.  It made me think…  Is all her insistence that I remain her daughter and that she loves me all a front?  Sometimes I wish I was less gullible…

Sitting there he eventually decided to join us.  He looked me up and down and said “oh, you cut your hair”.  With not another comment.  Later on he looked over and said “rather short is it not”.  Hmmm…  And you have a problem with it because?  I don’t think he realises that I am not his property anymore, in fact never was.  Each contact with him makes me more and more sure that I am doing the right thing.  I just want it to be over now, to move on, to have my own life.  But I realise that I will always have a link to him, with us sharing a child. 

Our divorce goes to court on 8 February, at last.  I am scared, but thrilled.  Sad but excited.  Weird hey?  Looking at our wedding pics the other day I was so saddened, thinking of the dreams and hopes and love that was in me, that was us.  And now, all of that is gone.  Maybe I am mourning that, mourning the loss of a life that we had carved out, rather than mourning him?

Holiday!

I am off to a well deserved holiday.  My first ever alone with my daughter.  No Mr.X.  I think it will be my first holiday where I can just be me, nobody to please, nobody to tread on eggs around. 

To all a Merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year! 

I am sure my blog will forgive me for not writing until I return. 

Stubborn, stupid or spiteful?

I am so worried about Mr.X.  He has a family history of depression.  He himself has been on antidepressants for quite some time now.  He has always had this whole attitude of suffering through taking them for me…  As if he really liked his mood swings, anger, irritation, depression etc when he is not on them.  I mean whatever could be wrong with putting your fist through the door of the bedroom?  Or breaking the dustbin with the force of throwing away the marmite bottle just because there was not enough left in it to make a sandwich?  Or breaking the tumble dryer’s door because it would not dry the clothes fast enough so he could go to bed (it was too noisy when he tried to sleep)? And certainly nothing wrong with being furious at your wife for having an asthma attack and daring to cough at two am.

Taking them was, in his eyes, just another HUGE sacrifice he made for the sake of “saving our marriage”.  Now that I moved out and filed for divorce he reckons he has no need for them anymore.  What an amazingly wonderful time to go off them. 

What worries me though is that his brother committed suicide a couple of years ago.  What stops him from doing it as well?  I just know that if he does I will get blamed.  But I will not stay in a marriage for that.  He is grown up, at 41 he should be.  Doing it would be his own choice.  Going of the meds is his own choice.  Nothing I can do about it.  I am caught between being sad and being furious.

But what about my daughter?  What if he harms her?  What do I do now?

Loneliness?

About loneliness… A friend told me that I should not see loneliness as my enemy, that loneliness should be my friend.  That I should embrase loneliness and use my alone time to grow and prosper.  Starting now that is what I am going to aim at.  I need all the help I can get, but I need to become whole.  I need to be my own person, not be dependant.  I get told often that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I am making a choice to start believing it.  I want to be rid of the feelings of guilt that surrounds my decision to leave him.  I want to stand proud, be myself, and love myself!!  So here goes!!!

Love?

Settled into my own place nicely.  I still need to buy a book shelve and have to hang my bathroom curtains, but all in all I like my place.  The overwhelming peace.  I should have done this a long time ago

But with peace comes loneliness I guess.  Sometimes so intense it feels like stomach cramps.  The sadness gets to me, the missing someone, the loneliness.  I don’t miss him, I think what we had died a long long time ago.  But I miss “someone”.  Being loved, cared for, treasured, cuddled, being made love to.  

What scares me is that I might get involved with someone purely for that reason and then realise that it was not love, that it was only “neediness”.  And then, along the line, I miss out on something really special, someone really special…

How do you know the difference between “being dependant” and “love”?

Moving on… and out…

I have a feeling my blog might be upset with me!! It has been so long since I’ve written anything.  I would need to update what happened since the last time…

I found this lovely place, and the night before I was due to move out, the bomb burst.  I won’t go through all of it, but it boils down to him leaving, me staying, trial seperation, not filing for divorce immediately…

Four months have come and gone, and when I informed him that I was going ahead with the divorce, he informed me in return that he would like to keep the house and that he would be moving back in over the weekend.  On Thursday, in a mad rush, I found a flat, paid the deposit, and moved in over the weekend, with LOADS of help from my parents. 

Dividing a life of 16 years into two parts is harder than I thought it would be…  Who gets the wedding album and the baby pics?  Who gets the dish cloths and the bread knife?  And those are just the little things…

Well now I am out, living in my own place, with my little one.  Needless to say, the little princess is quite upset, although we’ve been honest with her all along.  She seems to be settling in now, and she likes her room.  (One plus is that it is bigger than her room in our house… And I need to remember to call it HIS house now…)

Unpacking boxes is weird.  I dumped the whole content of my study into a couple of boxes and I started sorting through them last night.  Found receipts for our very first car, the purchase agreement of our first house, 18 year old love letters I wrote him, movie ticket stubs of our first date…  How can something hurt so much, when I know that I am making the right decision?  Everybody said that I would need time, that I would go through a process of mourning.  I took it with a pinch of salt, but I guess they were right…

To leave or not to leave…

It has been a while since I’ve moaned about my marriage… Thought it might become too tedious to read… tsk.  But today something amazing has happened… 

Let me first update you on what has been happening.  I found a flat, at long last!! In the town I live in, flats are so expensive that it really is a wonder.  Affordable (although a bit more pricey than I would have liked), lovely place, secure, close to the little one’s school.  What more could I want?  So the plan is to move at the end of the month. Start over, start my new life, and AT LAST be rid of the unhappiness that is my marriage.  Of course he has been hounding me, emotionally manipulating me, trying to break my resolve.  I am the pig in all of this (to be honest I have expected it and am quite prepared to be cast in the role) and it has really been getting to me. I am a wreck, not sleeping, not being able to focus.  Seeing him in tears night after night really gets to me.  But then why couldn’t he have tried all those times he promised, all those times he asked for “just one more chance”?  Now that I am ready to go, he wants me to give him (yet another!) one more chance.  Quite frankly I feel he’s had enough. 

So, back to the original story…   Today two eye-opening things happened.  A good friend of mine told me about this blog.  http://madge-thisisthelife.blogspot.com/  This woman could have been me, to finally understand that I am not the only “selfish and stubborn one”!!  Feel free to read it, you will understand what I mean.  I feel relieved, and a hell of a lot more determined after reading it. 

The second thing that came my way…  After hubby dearest and I once again spoke about me moving out, he contacted our minister.  Old move of his… he somehow believes that it will help.  Maybe he is trying to shame me into staying married, who knows.  In any case, he gave him the number of a community worker.  He saw her last night, without telling me where he has gone.  When he got home he told me about her and how convinced he is that she is the one who could make a difference in our marriage.  Very reluctantly I agreed to see her, mainly because I wanted to talk to her about the little one and how to handle her.  When this woman started telling me her story it was as if she was telling me mine.  About how she did not feel loved or listened to or important.  Well that could have been my story.  For the first time in this whole saga I feel understood.  I feel listened to.  I feel I am not unreasonable and selfish.  To be honest, I feel so much lighter.  At last someone that is completely detached from the situation really listened and understood.  In this predominantly male world of psychologists, ministers and couples counsellors I found a terribly chauvinistic streak.  It is always the woman’s fault.  How dare she ask for more than being married to a provider?  How dare she demand to be loved?  Now someone understands!!

I should add though that she did try to talk me out of moving, did try to get me to give him one more chance.  But I feel things have gone to far.  I see no turning point.  When I begged him day after day to do something about our marriage, he couldn’t be bothered.  Or he tried and it lasted for all of three seconds.  Why should I now give up my resolve and stay yet again?  To be honest I am quite scared.  If I do give up now I know that I will never again get up enough courage to make this move.   The window of opportunity would have closed and I would be stuck here forever

So here goes.  Wish me luck and hold thumbs for me that my resolve will not weaken in the two weeks I have left.  Because I know, as surely as I am sitting here, that if I have to live like this for one more year my soul will surely die…

How to Recognize A Good Woman

I have no idea who wrote this piece, but it really meant a lot to me.  Enjoy

A good woman is proud.  She respects herself and others.

She is aware of who she is.

She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind.

She is quite capable of articulating her needs.

A good woman is hopeful.  She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true.

She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated.

If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.

A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance.

She knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them.

A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forces toward the future.

A good woman knows God.  She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played with.

A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past.

Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love…