Anniversary.. of sorts

I can’t believe how time has flown!! One year since my divorce… I thought that a good way to celebrate it would be to go for my annual gynecologist visit. In all the hubub and drama of getting divorced, finding a new job and uprooting, moving to a new town etc I missed last year’s and, awful as it is, it had to be done.

Then came the shock a couple of days later.  Some irregularities in my pap test.  The doctor keeps telling me that it is nothing to worry about, that if I take the medicine I should be fine, that you only get cancer from two (If I remember correctly) kinds of the MPV and that it does not mean I will get cancer etc etc etc.

Yet I worry, I guess it is normal.  I feel that my own body might be betraying me.  I pray, I take my medicines, and I hope it will all be okay when I see the doctor again in 6 months.  Please help me pray everything will be okay?

Advertisements

Lawyer’s call

This afternoon I received a call from my lawyer.  The court did not have an opening on the list for me for this coming Monday as agreed.  So we move the court date up by one week to the 15th of February

I can’t understand my feelings regarding this.  I have mentally prepared myself for it to be over on the 8th, and suddenly it feels like an anti-climax.  It feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.  I know that it has only been delayed by one week, but it feels like my life has been disrupted.  All my well laid plans turned upside down.  Maybe I am projecting the feelings I should have about the end of my marriage onto this change of date? 

This made me realize that I should face my feelings and stop acting like an ostrich, pretending that if I do not admit them, they do not exist. 

So here goes:

I am sad that all our dreams and hopes have died

I am sad that our daughter has to experience the pain of divorce

I am sad that I broke the promise I made before God

I am angry that I was not good enough.  Not important enough for him to fight for me and our marriage.  And I am not talking the “lip service” fight for me, I am talking the real “let’s really make this work” fight for me

I am sad that I lost my friends.   And angry at them for throwing me away, for really believing that I would try to take their husbands away from them

I am sad that I don’t get to see my dogs.

There, I said it, and now?  Is this supposed to make me feel better?

Just wondering…

Last night we went to the “Festival for Jesus” at the little one’s school.  I met Mr. X (soon-to-be) and the little one and my mom in law there.  I had a general idea as to where they were sitting and coming towards them only mom in law was sitting there.  She was watching me approach I later realised, but did not even lift her hand to indicate to me where she was or where to find my chair.  It made me think…  Is all her insistence that I remain her daughter and that she loves me all a front?  Sometimes I wish I was less gullible…

Sitting there he eventually decided to join us.  He looked me up and down and said “oh, you cut your hair”.  With not another comment.  Later on he looked over and said “rather short is it not”.  Hmmm…  And you have a problem with it because?  I don’t think he realises that I am not his property anymore, in fact never was.  Each contact with him makes me more and more sure that I am doing the right thing.  I just want it to be over now, to move on, to have my own life.  But I realise that I will always have a link to him, with us sharing a child. 

Our divorce goes to court on 8 February, at last.  I am scared, but thrilled.  Sad but excited.  Weird hey?  Looking at our wedding pics the other day I was so saddened, thinking of the dreams and hopes and love that was in me, that was us.  And now, all of that is gone.  Maybe I am mourning that, mourning the loss of a life that we had carved out, rather than mourning him?

Holiday!

I am off to a well deserved holiday.  My first ever alone with my daughter.  No Mr.X.  I think it will be my first holiday where I can just be me, nobody to please, nobody to tread on eggs around. 

To all a Merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year! 

I am sure my blog will forgive me for not writing until I return.  🙂

Stubborn, stupid or spiteful?

I am so worried about Mr.X.  He has a family history of depression.  He himself has been on antidepressants for quite some time now.  He has always had this whole attitude of suffering through taking them for me…  As if he really liked his mood swings, anger, irritation, depression etc when he is not on them.  I mean whatever could be wrong with putting your fist through the door of the bedroom?  Or breaking the dustbin with the force of throwing away the marmite bottle just because there was not enough left in it to make a sandwich?  Or breaking the tumble dryer’s door because it would not dry the clothes fast enough so he could go to bed (it was too noisy when he tried to sleep)? And certainly nothing wrong with being furious at your wife for having an asthma attack and daring to cough at two am.

Taking them was, in his eyes, just another HUGE sacrifice he made for the sake of “saving our marriage”.  Now that I moved out and filed for divorce he reckons he has no need for them anymore.  What an amazingly wonderful time to go off them. 

What worries me though is that his brother committed suicide a couple of years ago.  What stops him from doing it as well?  I just know that if he does I will get blamed.  But I will not stay in a marriage for that.  He is grown up, at 41 he should be.  Doing it would be his own choice.  Going of the meds is his own choice.  Nothing I can do about it.  I am caught between being sad and being furious.

But what about my daughter?  What if he harms her?  What do I do now?

Loneliness?

About loneliness… A friend told me that I should not see loneliness as my enemy, that loneliness should be my friend.  That I should embrase loneliness and use my alone time to grow and prosper.  Starting now that is what I am going to aim at.  I need all the help I can get, but I need to become whole.  I need to be my own person, not be dependant.  I get told often that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I am making a choice to start believing it.  I want to be rid of the feelings of guilt that surrounds my decision to leave him.  I want to stand proud, be myself, and love myself!!  So here goes!!!

Love?

Settled into my own place nicely.  I still need to buy a book shelve and have to hang my bathroom curtains, but all in all I like my place.  The overwhelming peace.  I should have done this a long time ago 🙂

But with peace comes loneliness I guess.  Sometimes so intense it feels like stomach cramps.  The sadness gets to me, the missing someone, the loneliness.  I don’t miss him, I think what we had died a long long time ago.  But I miss “someone”.  Being loved, cared for, treasured, cuddled, being made love to.  

What scares me is that I might get involved with someone purely for that reason and then realise that it was not love, that it was only “neediness”.  And then, along the line, I miss out on something really special, someone really special…

How do you know the difference between “being dependant” and “love”?